I tried to listen. Looking into his eyes while he spoke, I tried. I really did. But once it hit me, I couldn’t pay attention. I looked into my brother’s brown eyes, interrupted his sentence and blurted out without any explanation or context, “you run all the time.”
He hadn’t heard yet about Ahmaud Arbery, the young black man who was followed and murdered by two white men. I, on the other hand, had watched the video. Over and over. Trying to make sense of it, but mostly making myself crazy.
Tears welled up in my eyes and I walked away from my brown-skinned friend.
Why? Why is this happening again? Why does the depravity of so many white men turn into the death of so many black ones? Why do people think that my brothers always fit the description? Why is that a good enough reason to kill them? Why…*sigh*
I’m tired. I’m tired of this story. I’m tired of the excuses. I’m tired of politicizing. I’m tired of the lack of compassion. I’m tired of people not being pissed that this is happening! I’m tired.
My weak knees and tired soul go to the Lord. No one else has answers to my questions. God is not surprised by the evil in the world.
But it’s still confusing to me.
My little brown boy continues to grow.
I’m afraid.
“When I am afraid I go to the Lord” the psalmist reminds me. So there I go.
I fall. God catches me. He holds me as I cry – again. He comforts me – again. He reminds me that He is compassionate and cares. Just like when Lazarus died, Jesus reminds us what it looks like to weep with those who weep.
Don’t tell me not to “make it about race.” Do not tell me that God is sovereign so it’s okay. It’s not that simple, and that’s okay.
This is a time for mourning.
Weep. Pray. Run. Be with God. That’s enough.
Rooted and Redeemed 